Funny Web Shit 2

I ran into this video a couple of weeks ago and lauged my ass off. It is totally inappropriate in a couple levels, but sometimes you gotta say "hell with it" and laugh at wit.



Tell me what you think...

Has anyone seen my eye?

Well, it looks a whole lot like this...

I had one of those trying days today. You know the ones, its like a premonition...regardless of how hard you fight to change it, you know what the outcome is going to be, and it won't be pretty. This is about my visit to the eye doctor.

Okay, a little background. I have not had my eyes checked since my final semester of grad school, which even then was part of a university study (I'm a cheap ass!). After wearing the same pair of contacts for nearly a year, I decided it best (rather the contacts decided for me) that I get another check up and get some new sporty ones...frankly, I look so old in glasses. So...I made a date.

I went in approximately two weeks ago for the eye exam. If you know DC at all then you know that anything that starts out with "Princes Georges..." can't end good (think any bridge into Virginia = lost). That being said, this experience was normal, with a few exceptions. First of all the technician, who did not speak fluent English, could not quite get the glaucoma test just right. That Ho shot air into my eyes five times. I'm not sure what "HEY" in Spanish means, but it got her attention. So, either the final shot worked or she said "screw it!

Then the Dr. came in and I have to say I always hate this exchange; he wanted to discuss the health of my eyes and all I could think about was how he had to know I was not paying a bit of attention to what he was saying....I was hoping like hell there wasn't a test at the end. I mean, we pay them to be specialists and worry about stuff. I pay you, you worry...that's the deal. Anyway, I relate it to getting stoned with your friends. You become so paranoid that everyone thinks your stoned...including those you smoked with...Anyway, out of nowhere I hear him mention my "condition"...what? I have a condition? I just came in because my last contact lens finally curled too much on the edge and it wouldn't stay in my eye any longer...I don't have a condition! Turns out I do...I have a astigmatism. Finally, after embarrassing this humiliating condition I get the bill...$383.

On, and on a quick side not...I DIDN'T GET CONTACT LENSES

That's right, I had to go back into today for a "quick" check up. I guess to make sure my newly discovered plight did not eat my face or something. Well, this jackass had something else in store for me...he felt he needed to dilate my eyes. I strongly objected (if you've had this done before, you'd understand). They put these drops in your eyes then wait. After a few minutes your eyes completely dilate so that Dr. Charge-Me-For-Something-Else can look at the back of my eye. Basically what happens is your eyes are fooled into believing that there is no light, so the little black center gets huge. So, I succumb. They do their thing, charge me another $90 and put me out in the parking lot...eyes fully dilated....that was a fun drive downtown. Oh, still no contacts!

Mood: Pretty good. I went to the gym twice today...bones are tired, but I feel really good.

Listening to: I have got Glamours absolute stuck in my head. I love that song.

Emotionally Drained...

I can't take it anymore. What the hell is wrong with this world? I had the most bizarre sense of deja vu this morning. I was stopped in the hall at work and someone said with an urgent tone "have you seen the news?" My heart just stopped. I knew it was bad...you can tell because the person telling you won't actually tell you, rather they make you watch with your own eyes. I tuned in and like everyone else, I just stared...who would shoot kids? Better yet, who would exploit such a thing? Oh wait...MSNBC, CNN, Fox, ABC, NBC, CBS.....you get the point.

Is this what it takes to get Al Sharpton's face off the TV every 15 minutes? don't worry true believers, old Al will find a way to conjure up the race issue just as Bush is sure to make the 9/11 connection.

To the media...who are you people? Do you grow up with the hope of being the most inappropriate and insensitive people or is that something your tuition buys you? It baffles me how an "investigative reporter" won't call a politician on being a liar- when its public knowledge that he is - but will ask the police chief (commander) at Virginia Tech "why are you so dispondent about this shooting? Are you not moved?" - ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME? This asshole is sure to go back to his other reporter friends and brag about his amazing insight and how he fought to get the "real answer" I don't know who that guys was that asked that question, but after seeing the look on the officers face, I wanted to give him a hug.

On a personal note, work is going well. There still seem to be some "transition issues" but hopefully all will be smoothed out soon. As far as the workout, I have gotten more aggressive. I have taken to the Ipod more, which is actually a big issue for me.

Ok, well its late the taxes aren't done and I'm alone...spooky.

Weekend in Review

Well, its 8:41 pm on Sunday, this means that the weekend is officially shot. My work clothes are laid out and my gym bag is packed...I am ready for Monday. Since I really don't have anything to say I thought a quick weekend recap might be appropriate.

Friday Night - As I mentioned last week, Stephanie is heading to S. Africa on Tuesday for a six week adventure. We sent her off good by having a little throw down and Recessions near Farragut North. To say the bar is "ok" is being polite. Its in the basement of a hotel, a hotel to this day I do recall the name. The night was fun. A couple of highlights:

1. I got to meet her crazy friend Erin Marie and this bitch is NUTS. It is so bizarre to meet someone that gets you....no, not in a romantic sense, but in a level of thinking...or in this case, sense of humor. Bottom line: I think we were separated at birth, well except she is black and 29...but you get my point.
2. After leaving Recessions, we went to the bar inside the Jury's Hotel for one more (which I did not need). It was fun, but if I had not enjoyed the previous bar so much, I am sure there is a blog-worthy story...but at this point, it would merely be speculation - don't read into that....I was perfectly happy to sit in a corner and talk about people.
3. Tracy was nice enough to let me crash on her couch...Christ that was a long walk. I did however get the pleasure of listening to her brother throw up his evening.

Saturday - This was definitely a great day to stay in and be hung over. The weather throughout the entire weekend sucked. Michael picked me up and we pretty much hung out around the house. Later on in the evening a small group went out to celebrate Tracy's 30th. I can't believe it...my young friends are in their 30s.

After a pretty good dinner at Rock Bottom Brewery, we walked around Ballston Commons. I've never been so it was a mall. I did buy a new camera. I'm pretty excited about that. Steph her crew and Tracy went to see a play. We skipped out, but I heard it was good.

Sunday - Another rain soaked day. The basement is leaking again, which pretty much sucks. I went for a run today, not the 12 miles I wanted to do, but good enough. It only took a year, but I really enjoy running. I enjoy the challenge of pushing myself and the peacefulness of doing something by myself. I feel really weird going to the gym lately. I don’t feel uncomfortable, rather out of place.

Well, that’s it. I am sure more happened, but odds are, if anyone is even reading my blog anymore, you’ve stopped reading this entry. If, however, you made it this far, thank you for listening.

Saturday...open

Today is a nice day to be in DC. Reading the International Phenom's blog this morning I ran across a funny video (http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/uncensored.shtml) I will never look at Justin Timberlake the same again.

Not a whole lot going on today. I was going to do long run this morning, but since we stayed out way to late celebrating Steph's pending departure to S. Africa, I decided to put it off until tomorrow.

Mood: Pretty good

Friendship....

I discovered yesterday that I have been de-linked from the blogs of two of my friends. Of course I don't blame them, its not like I have kept up with this whole blogging experiment, but to remove someone from your link list...thats like ripping up or throwing away a picture of an ex, you have to keep it...its good karma.

Of course a link on a blog is trivial in the bigger picture. And I know that these two people are not heathens (well one is), but it did put the whole idea of friendship into my head...what does it mean to be a friend. I don't mean that category of people you keep in your cell phone because you will eventually need a drinking buddy or a warm body to act as filler for a party you will eventually throw, but a person(s) that you truly connect with and trust. For me that group is rather small. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends, but very few that I “let in". That list was reduced in the past few weeks and with Steph getting on the plane for S. Africa this Wednesday, will go down again. I’m sure gonna miss her.

So, you see. The de-linking on someone else’s blog is really no big deal, but it is symbolic of what is going on in my life.

I hate feeling depressed.

Homage to great friend...

Since I am in the blogging spirit lately, I spend way more time than I should figuring out what I am going to type. And, if you know me at all, you know that I am completely random and keeping me trained on one thought is a task. Point is, I dreamed the prefect blog...one part political statement, one part social commentary, and two parts funny (at least in my dream).

However, something changed all that this morning. Yesterday, April 10, my sister Michelle celebrated another birthday and due in large part to personal and professional distractions, I completely forgot and was only reminded when I received instant message early this morning. Therefore, this entry is dedicated to her on her blah blah blah birthday.

Being from a close knit family, I have always had a tight relationship with all of my brothers and sisters (7 of us in total). So, being close is not special to us, however, what is interesting is how defined and unique each relationship is. My relationship with Michelle is definitely unique.

At risk of sounding trite, Michelle has supported me all of my life. Since breaking out on my own ten years ago, she has been at every major milestone in my life, regardless of the distance...she made the trip. Each year when my birthday comes around, I will inevitably get a phone call and from the other end of the line I will hear a terribly sung version of Happy Birthday from her and her brood. I always laugh and tell her/them that I love her/them.

Over the past few years Michelle has said to me "man, I'm jealous..." then references a new car, a degree, the house, or a vacation that I went on. And it is true that some fortune has come my way over the past couple years, but it is her that should be envied. And to find out why, simply keep scrolling….






Happy Birthday Sis. You are one of my best friends and I love getting older with you....makes that stupid shit on Warsaw so much funnier.

Identity Crisis....

Work is driving me absolutely crazy....and its all my fault.


Do you ever feel like that stupid ant that is the first out of the rubble of his freshly demolished ant hill to start rebuilding, one piece of sand at a time? That is how I am feeling lately. It seems that no matter how many times I make things right, the next day I am rebuidling the same damn hill.



Other Random Thoughts:

1. Steph is leaving for S. Africa next week. I am sad....
2. I am bidding on new work for our client...nervous, my stomach is turning
3. Supporting my niece by running in Cincinnati's Flying Pig Half Marathon in May...yay, training again
4. Refocusing on home inprovement...it is so easy to avoid when you have a comfy couch and a charged remote control

Thats it for now people....

Spring sprang, then get the hell out of town...

Michael and I, along with Rob and Alley, bought season tickets to the National's this year. It is not looking good for the hometown team, but we're in it for the long haul...or at least until we can get seating priority for the new stadium.

Opening Day was cool. Adarsh (grad school), played hookie that afternoon to sit in the sun and soak up beer. It was a great day. The Nats got beat and we got trashed....either way, expectations were met.

Next game: April 16.

Family, Friends, and Future

2007 is here!!

Yes, it is here and I for one could not be happier. As I mentioned in my previous post, each January 1st I celebrate the passing of an old friend, the cigarette. After 13 years I was finally bid farewell to the habit, or at least shove it to the side. As I was reminiscing about my smoking days, I began feeling a bit nostalgic for changes that have come and gone over the past 12 months. Listed are a few of the highlights:

• In the spring Michael and I said goodbye to our beloved swanky Capitol Hill apartment for a roomy hut on a spot of DC's finest dirt in the NE quadrant. Though it took us a while to get settled, it is now a place we are thrilled to call "home".
• In late summer, Katie G left us for her new life as a medical student. To my joy the crazy life has not jaded our friend. Like old times, we spent New Years Eve doing what we do; looking for crazy shit on the internet.
• Katie F struck out on her own, finding a coolio pad in Georgetown. We don't see much of Katie anymore; funny how a beacon of the liberal left settles so comfortably into the most elite neigoborhood of DC.
• Julian left the great USA to pursue a life in Dutchland, dragging his mother and father along for the purpose of light entertainment.
• Michael procured what has to be one of the coolest jobs in DC; working for the National Gallery of Art.
• After 30 some years or second guessing and putting it off, I got braces!!
• Somewhere along the the line my 9 yr old neice turned 22...whats up with that? Whats the age of consent now, 25?
• Bush, Rove, and Fat Bastard Denny Hastert got their asses handed to him in November. It was an awesome night. Steph did the robot, Chester just showed up, and I'm pretty sure I have a a permanent scar inside my mouth where I got slapped.

I am quite sure there were plenty more items that are missing, but lets be honest, its not like a remember everything/anything when I'm drinking. Heres to 2006, we'll miss you old girl!

Happy New Year

I am not a huge fan of New Year Resolutions, but as I stare 40 right between the eyes (it hasn't flinched yet, but I'll keep you posted), I am becoming more contemplative and open to this silly form of the outward expression of my vunerabilities. I am resolved to becoming a better and more considerate friend. I know what you are thinking; "but John, you are so calm, patient and tolerant with all of us, how could you do more?". And my response...are you that stupid? I'm an ass!

So, here are some things that I am going to fucus on:

1. Answer my phone when it rings


2. Respond more quickly to voice/e-mails


3. Be more tolerant to nice people that do/say stupid things


4. Quit doing/saying stupid things


5. Forgive rather than plot and scheme


6. Listen and restrain the compulsion to comment or advise


7. Drink less, talk less, sleep more


8. Be more inclusive and less snide


9. Compliment rather than Critisize (except for thongs that hang out)

Well, I think thats a good start. Certainly a big task, but hell, I have a year finish it. Oh, and the first person that says; "You know John, remember rule #3, your not being very tolerant..." ITS ON! This is my resolution not your checklist for my entry into heaven....opps, just broke rule #4

Remember this, my 2000 resolution was to quick smoking, and that has been wildly successful...heres to 2007, and 2010...bring it bitch!

Saturday June 10....just a day

This week went by with lil fanfare. Fanny is in some foreign land (Elsalvador) for eleven days, NS has smuggled my baby to an even more foreign land (Nebraska) and Katie is laid up or getting laid, I'm not sure. MKO and I are busy with the new house and preparing for Mom and Gran to come rolling through next week. I think that the cats are becoming suspicious that something is happening. I mean, we do remove furniture, and from their perspective, it is never seen again.

I put the apartment out on the SPEA listserv this week in my first attempt to "give back" to my alumni. It is a sweet apartment and has served us well. I have fond memories of the Fondu party, Wine & Cheese Party, and the "Welcome to D.C." party last fall. Anyway, I'm gonna miss this old place.

You know your old when...

**This is funny as hell. I sat down this afternoon to update my blog. If you can believe it, Fanny had the nerve to scold me for not updating my blog...yep...I did say Fanny (the nerve). Anyway, I opened this draft with the intention to deleting it and laughed. I have no idea where I was going with this thought. It is now clear that I have reached that point in life where it is not just others that and I am not listening too, but myself as well....damn pitty.**

So here is the game. Lets each come up with an ending to this story. You know the players and you know my twisted mind.....lets see what Chrissy does next.

Sweet Taste of Being Right....

Being "Mr. Know-it-all" has finally paid off for me. Not in real U.S. American dollars of course, because that would be gambling, but rather something much closer to one's heart, Bryers Ice Cream. I love this story, not so much because of the ice cream, but because of the irony.

Picture this...

The whole episode started this past Monday morning. MKO and I had decided to travel back in time, I mean... fly back to Indiana this weekend. Having not been back since September I was amazed that NOTHING had changed. I mean it folks, those of you that were in Bloomington with me, believe me when I say it is the same. Fortunately that played to my advantage when I wanted a beer...ole reliable was propped up on a bar stool when I entered the Alley Bar....that was fun, but not the point. Ok, the rest of the weekend want well...blah blah....you don't say, well...blah blah....OMG, fax me later.....!

Monday Morning (Ice Cream D-Day)
My flight leaves at 7:15 which means to the airport by 6:15 which means, leave by 5:15 to make the hour long trek to the IND airport, which means, get up at 4:00 to get ready for work before leaving for the airport = TIRED AS HELL WHEN I GOT OFF WORK!


MKO wasn't due to arrive until the following morning and, because I didn't feel like being responsbile (i.e. lanundry, dishes), I decided beer was a good alternative. So I sent out "the call" and it was not long before myself, Skechko, Fanny, Interenational Pheonom, Schwenny, and Lil KA assembled at a small cafe/buffet for an evening of antics.


Having a blast we are, then it happens. International needs a glass of wine, this is shortly after Schwenny decided that no one should ever drink out of her glass again and breaks it. So she hails down the bartender.

Ok, lets be honest

I am about to round out my fourth week in the private sector and I think its time to come clean. Since leaving the GAO back in January I have had a lot of friends, family, and acquaintances inquire about my new job.

• How is the private sector different from the public?
• Are you working crazy hours?
• What cool projects are you working on?

Thus far my stock answer to all has been that things are going great, which for the most part is true but with one small caveat: I have not done anything yet. The highlight today was finding the cupboard that houses the steno pads. I am not sure why I thought I needed one, but I can now proudly call one my own. That being said, considering the seven months I spent at the GAO, the new place is great.

What GT has that the GAO does not:

• professionalism,
• positive reinforcement,
• strong work ethic, and
• blatant favoritism.

So, until I become inundated with tons of work, keep an eye on my blog and I'll keep an eye on yours.

NS, this ones for you...

Sunday, February 12, 2:30 am

Last night was on of my favorite since moving to D.C. last July. For the most part it was pretty routine. Me, MKO, Skecko, TJ, & Tim met at Union Station had a quick beer at Capitol City Brewing Company, save me (still abstaining), after which the three "dudes" walked to the Hawk and Dove for some fancy tw0-stepping. Like I said, with the exception of the absence of some key players, it was a pretty routine night. What made it so exception was the snow.

I guess I am a kid at heart because I love snow! I hope everyone is enjoying this weekend as much as I did.

Think Spring

What's up Oprah's Ass?

I finally finished it! It was hard ignoring all of the negative media surrounding James Frey's book, A Million Little Pieces, but I did (thank God for short attention spans...right?) and late last night, I concluded my literary adventure. First, let me give mad props to Fanny and Jena for recommending the book to me; I concur, the book is very intense.

Getting back to my original question then; what in the hell is up Oprah's ass? I watched the clips from Larry King Live Show in which the author was interviewed where Oprah made that no infamous call into the show reasserting her support for the reformed addict. I then watched parts of her follow-up interview with Frey in a "live" show designed to provide the viewer comfort in knowing that she was going to trap this evil doer. It was at the point that I had a vision.....**queue the dre am sequence music***I look at Frey sitting there, probably stoned out of his mind and wracked with grief because Lilly is gone, and I am instantly reminded of the biblical story of the immaculate conception. Picture it, Mary standing in the center of a huge ditch showing her 9 months of pregnancy awaiting her inevitable doom all while telling onlookers that this child...ahhh...the one, you know, God's son!....yea yea that’s it, God's son will save all of us from the wrath of God....yeah, God did it. I could hear Oprah's audience chanting "stone him, stone the motherf****r him" followed by, "seriously Oprah, where’s our new car?" As Oprah ascends from her stage on Chicago's near west side back up to her throne in heaven she utters the now glorious diatribe against the reviled author; "It is difficult for me to talk to you because I really feel duped...but more importantly I feel that you betrayed millions of readers. "

Who the hell is she kidding that is what I really want to know. I read the book and I could tell from the first few paragraphs that at best, the story was exaggerated? I mean, please! He is passed out on a plane with a bleeding from a 1" hole in his cheek, teeth completely knocked out, and boxers full of piss and shit...yeah....tell me Oprah, what airline was that anyway? Don't get me wrong, I have always admired her, but I do not believe for a minute that she took this book at 100% face value. If she did, she is very naive. Furthermore, if the queen of talk really felt that the book was so misleading and such a betrayal to her readers, then why did she not demand that the Oprah's Book Club seal be removed. Well, we know why....but it’s a point she neglected to address during her sermon. (hint: $$)

Come and knock on our door....

And then there were 3.....


It has been a week and she still comes back to the apartment after work!! Translation: I have not yet driven here to intense psycho-therapy or hard drugs. **snaps for JS** And for you ladies and gentlemen that need an hour and a half to get ready in the morning (me), take note; this international phenom is up, showers, dresses, and is out the door in 15 minutes. However, I have never gotten close enough at this hour to see if eyes were fully operational....welcome, heres to a great stint in casa JS/MKO.

Side Notes:

• Thanks Fanny for hostessing the Super Bowl party. It was a lot of fun, even if the end result wasn't what I had hoped for. Refs suck!
• Love the new job; however, I have yet to be put on an assignment which makes the days drag a little. On the up side, I have really befriended the Crate and Barrel outlet store next door.
• MKO is waiting to hear back on a groovy job here in the district. I am really hoping that it comes through.
• That groundhog needs to go! Is it me or did this crappy weather start up after that overgrown bloated rat ran back into its hole. I hate him.
• Running...dieting...abstaining from beer...mood varies.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty.....

Ok, well maybe it is not been that bad, but for anyone who has worked for the federal government, there is uneasiness about abandoning the safety and security of the bureaucratic black hole. Two weeks ago today, I did just that and to my surprise, I survived. However, the week leading up to my departure was at minimum, bizarre.

First let me start with a little advice to those considering a career change; never, and I mean NEVER give a month notice. I made such a mistake back in December. It was the right thing to do...right? WRONG.

Picture this;

The Notice: In a role worthy of a best actor nod (watch out Jake...grr), I went to my supervisor and with great sorrow in my voice and compassion in my eyes, I informed her that I had decided to depart the (stealing a line from Pie Pants) blah blibdy blah blah agency. Her response: "Thank God, you could not be leaving at a better time. This is not the place for someone with your drive and talent". Oh no she didn't, this bitch totally steals my thunder and whats more, obviously aspiring to take the gold statuette for best dramatic performance by a bitter bitch playing the role of a supportive senior government cog, is truly genuine. She actually gets up and hugs me. Things could not have gone better. I walk out skipping.

Three/Two Weeks To Go: Its the week between Christmas and New Years and everyone, well at least 70% of the agency is gone. I spend the week working my ass off trying to make a dent in the files on my desk. I meet with boss lady, who by the way is still so supportive I want to puke, and go over a laundry list of items to take care of before I leave. I could not believe how extensive, but I the one that volunteered to give the four week notice. I ask for and receive the priority for each item. I then hit the list with a vengeance. All is good....I feel good and I get an excellent X-mas gift from MKO.

Two Weeks to Go: I'm now at that point where just about everyone knows that I am leaving. All is going smooth. Isn't it terrible that the only time people make you feel welcome is when you’re leaving? It is late in the week and something weird starts to happen. I keep getting pulled aside by colleagues wanting to know where I am going and what I am going to be doing all while slipping me their business card. T

The next day in the middle of a team meeting all hell breaks loose. My supervisor wants to know how my final tasks are progressing and I give what I think is a positive report....really I didn't have much left to do.

Boss: When will task X be complete? (Mind you this is the lowest priority item)

Me: It will be done by next Friday.

Boss: IT NEEDS TO BE DONE BEFORE YOU LEAVE!

Me (internal voice): What the f***?

Me: I don't see a problem with it being done before next Friday. The only problem I can see is if something goes wrong with priority #1 Project.

Boss: (rolls eyes), just make sure it’s done.

Pissed, I go back to my desk and finish this crucial project before I left for the day.

Forward Final Day: What in the hell is going on???? It is Friday, January 20...D day. I have completed the work I was assigned, trained staff on ongoing projects, and cleaned out my desk. So I sit and wait, I know that boss lady will be around soon to give me an awkward goodbye....I sit and I wait. Its 3:15, I know it is coming soon....I start to twitch a little...how long will this take. She leaves at 3:45 so I know it will have to be soon...I sit and I wait. That bitter bitch trumped me again, now seeking the statuette for best bitch within the federal government, giving Condi a run for her money!!

Moral of the Story: Never give a four week notice. The reason for this is simple your boss, whether it be male/female/government manager, is dying to wear a couture Coco Chanel dress and $100,000,000 worth of diamonds on the red carpet in March.