Kissing the ex...
I don’t care who you are, each one of us has that one ex that we keep safely tucked away in our past. If you are completely honest with yourself then you are very familiar with this person. He is the first person you think of when times get rough; the one that understands you when the rest of the world seems to have gone nuts; the one that you know for certain that if things would have been a little more different he would still be at your side; the one that made you understand the bliss of true love and then as swiftly made you feel the hollowness of a broken heart. I will call this the Phantom Ex, or in my case, David R.
The dictionary defines a phantom as “a person or thing of merely illusory power, status, efficacy, etc”. Therefore, the Phantom Ex as I described above does not actually exist to the extent that you remember them; rather they only exist as you remember them. Meaning; all of that understanding, compassion, intimacy, and love while real in your memory might not necessarily be real, rather it’s a wanton desire to remember things they way you wanted them to be. For me, one of my fears was facing that reality because so much of who I am is tied into who I thought I was and how far I have come…if that makes any sense. Well, I did not have to wait long to face this fear.
This past weekend during at brief visit to Indiana to take a break from DC life, a stressful job, and relationship issues that have provided their own challenges in recent months I was faced with the opportunity to spend some time with my Phantom Ex. Because we have maintained a friendship, though distant, over the years, it was an easy decision to meet for a few drinks, or so I thought.
It is really hard to explain the flood of emotions when I walked into that nasty little bar this past Thursday night. He was sitting at the end of the bar smoking a cigarette; making it look good. I walked toward him and he stood and gave me the biggest hug telling me “you look good baby”. My first though was “god damnit, will you ever age!” – I think I actually said that. My second thought was a lot more telling of my inner perceptions as I thought “why are you here…in this dump?”
We began our pleasantries and as we sat chatting, drinking, taking pictures, and playing pool my mind would spin back to that person that I had put on an unachievable pedestal and wonder where is he now. While he was distracted or talking to another patron I would steal glimpses at him and different scenarios would run through my head…if the stars were more in line would this be my life?...what I am going to do if he says that he always loved me and wants to run away with me tonight…doe he still think I’m hot?...what did that comment mean?...etc.
In looking back on that evening I realized how much time we spent talking about our lives today and what we are doing to achieve success and happiness and very little time talking about our life back then. And even though I now realize that my Phantom Ex does not exist to the extent the way I remembered him, I did learn that 1) David has always been there for me during my low periods, 2) he does know me a lot better than most, 3) thank god those stars were not in line all those years ago, and (4) you don’t need to be in love with someone to love them.
For those waiting to hear salacious details about the rest of the evening, I have to disappoint. We drank, laughed, and genuinely had a great time. I won't deny the that some subtle flirting too place, but nothing sorted or unhealthy.
+098.jpg)
