Still waiting...

...for what, I am not sure.

Favorite Song day...w/lyrics

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

Something new...

Ok, heres the thing I have not written anything new in about a month. Even the last few entries have been youtube videos to entertain the masses. I have tried for over a week now to put something worth while in a post and I just can't. I don't know why, I'm not a good enough writer to actually have writers block, so this draught is unexplainable.

OMG, I just got it...I'm afraid to write about my life over the past few weeks because a) it will be a lie, or b) I don't want to face it...

Mood: Not sad, not happy, not stressed, not elated....I am absolutely blah!

Braces, Diet Pills, and Capitol Hill...

I haven't posted anything significant in a while so I feel like I owe some news to the faithful. As you can probably tell from previous posts, I have been going through a lot lately on the personal front. To protect the privacy of others, I won't dwell on that too much. However, I will share with you this, without the unrelenting support of Michael and the wisdom of Stephanie, I would have gone completely nuts a week ago. So, as the heading suggests, I do have a few pieces of news to share.

Braces - The orthodontist removed my bottom braces yesterday afternoon. I have to admit that I wasn't expecting much except the wisdom from another that they would "be slimy". Well, they are not slimy and they are beautiful!! I can't wait to get the tops off.

Diet Pills - I have been running for over a year and not just a casual trot. I spent most of last year running 20+ miles a week. While I am very proud to have been able to run a marathon last year, I really wanted to shave off some lbs. Well, it didn't happen so I have recently resorted to Lipodrene. I know this is going to draw some criticism (KT), but I'm not crazy. I am being very careful. Let me tell you this though, these fuckers make you nuts!

Capitol Hill - I am moving out of the house in NE DC and back to Capitol Hill.

Lazy saturday post...

Videos that I have to sit and wait hours to see on MTV...brought to you with one click...

Fergie - Hate the girl, love the song:



Snow Patrol - Awww, hidden meaning song:




Blue October - Love, Alcoholism, Drugs, Suicide = Intense Self Loathing:



Hoobastank - The words more than the video (its lame):



Jennifer Holliday - This Folks is Pain!:



Ok, thats it for now. I am looking for a few others, but with little success. This does irk me a bit, because I give myself a lot of credit for knowing music. Therefore, when I do find them I will certainly make a big deal out of it.

Its Saturday morning and the weather in DC is pretty good. Headed to they gym then a long run. Have a good weekend.

Mood: Pretty Good!

Back to the grind...

Since coming back to work this past Monday I realized something; this whole being out of college and working and being a responsible really sucks.

On a positive note, I have now received feedback and scores on all of my annual reviews (mid-year engagement review, year end engagement review, annual performance assessment). I received "exceeds expectations" across the board, which based on the recent challenges made me feel pretty good. What does exceeds expectations really mean you maybe wondering...well, its a good question. Based on past experience, it is a trivial score used by my firm to allocate % increase in annual salary and your share of the bonus pool. However, this year the scores hold a slightly different meaning for me as I am putting myself up for a promotion.

Unlike most private companies or even the federal government, at my firm individuals must petition to be promoted, it is not involuntary nor automatic. The process for petition for promotion is a promotion package similar to the security clearance package I completed last year. It is insane and what they fail to tell you is that everything that you have ever done (proposal work, special projects, community / professional events) must be documented with all of these forms that you have never seen before. You try remembering why you went to some lame ass lunch discussion by some tool from the OMB...they explain what you learned...but I did it...all of it. I obviously never given birth, but I imagine it feels similar to what I experienced over the past fee weeks.

Other than that things are good and by good I mean I'm not dead and that's good...LOL Some days I have moments of crystal clarity that really surprise me, others are mundane and "going through the paces" kinda thing, and still others are a complete fog.

Picture of the day: For you clown lovers...

Another reason to like beer...

Kissing the ex...

I don’t care who you are, each one of us has that one ex that we keep safely tucked away in our past. If you are completely honest with yourself then you are very familiar with this person. He is the first person you think of when times get rough; the one that understands you when the rest of the world seems to have gone nuts; the one that you know for certain that if things would have been a little more different he would still be at your side; the one that made you understand the bliss of true love and then as swiftly made you feel the hollowness of a broken heart. I will call this the Phantom Ex, or in my case, David R.

The dictionary defines a phantom as “a person or thing of merely illusory power, status, efficacy, etc”. Therefore, the Phantom Ex as I described above does not actually exist to the extent that you remember them; rather they only exist as you remember them. Meaning; all of that understanding, compassion, intimacy, and love while real in your memory might not necessarily be real, rather it’s a wanton desire to remember things they way you wanted them to be. For me, one of my fears was facing that reality because so much of who I am is tied into who I thought I was and how far I have come…if that makes any sense. Well, I did not have to wait long to face this fear.

This past weekend during at brief visit to Indiana to take a break from DC life, a stressful job, and relationship issues that have provided their own challenges in recent months I was faced with the opportunity to spend some time with my Phantom Ex. Because we have maintained a friendship, though distant, over the years, it was an easy decision to meet for a few drinks, or so I thought.

It is really hard to explain the flood of emotions when I walked into that nasty little bar this past Thursday night. He was sitting at the end of the bar smoking a cigarette; making it look good. I walked toward him and he stood and gave me the biggest hug telling me “you look good baby”. My first though was “god damnit, will you ever age!” – I think I actually said that. My second thought was a lot more telling of my inner perceptions as I thought “why are you here…in this dump?”

We began our pleasantries and as we sat chatting, drinking, taking pictures, and playing pool my mind would spin back to that person that I had put on an unachievable pedestal and wonder where is he now. While he was distracted or talking to another patron I would steal glimpses at him and different scenarios would run through my head…if the stars were more in line would this be my life?...what I am going to do if he says that he always loved me and wants to run away with me tonight…doe he still think I’m hot?...what did that comment mean?...etc.

In looking back on that evening I realized how much time we spent talking about our lives today and what we are doing to achieve success and happiness and very little time talking about our life back then. And even though I now realize that my Phantom Ex does not exist to the extent the way I remembered him, I did learn that 1) David has always been there for me during my low periods, 2) he does know me a lot better than most, 3) thank god those stars were not in line all those years ago, and (4) you don’t need to be in love with someone to love them.

For those waiting to hear salacious details about the rest of the evening, I have to disappoint. We drank, laughed, and genuinely had a great time. I won't deny the that some subtle flirting too place, but nothing sorted or unhealthy.

(Two of my goodest friends; David and Andrea)

The Indiana Trip...

As wrote last week, I am back in Bloomington this week to relax and spend some time with family and friends. The drive was smooth and went by quickly; which I attribute to anticipation. My time here has been great. It is certainly the break I need from work and DC in general.

One of the great things about Bloomington is that it changes very little. Within the parameters of the University (five blocks each way), IU is truly a campus in a college town. Whether you are jogging down 3rd street past the fraternities and sororities after class or stumbling up Kirkwood toward the Sample Gates on your way home from Nicks after few failed rounds of Sink the Biz, the campus has that special vibe. In visiting Blooming this week, I had two goals. The first was to spend time with friends and second, was to spend some time on campus.

This first night in town I stayed on campus in the Memorial Union (hotel). Since graduation took place earlier this month, securing a room was not difficult at all. Becoming accustomed to nicer hotels lately, I wasn't expecting much from the union so the surprise when I walked into the room was even more rewarding. Not only was the room amazing, but the windows looked out across the campus, particularly over the Beck Chapel and the main creek that runs through campus. The first few hours I laid in the bed with reading a book with the windows open listening to the sound of the water running over the rocks below. That bliss was briefly disturbed by one of Indiana's other great attributes, the beetle. This damn bug flew into the room and like all idiot beetles, started running into things. For the most part, I have no problem with insects. I do draw the line with landing on me, but other than that, "mi casa, su casa". So I lay and read and this god damn thing keeps hitting the wall, TV, lamp, door...everything. Being the passive nature lover I am, I moved toward the insect to escort the little fella out the window, then quickly realized that I'm a DC'ite now, so I whacked it....done, back to reading.

Monday I woke up at 6:30 and started my own personal tour of campus. I was going to do a quick jog for old times sake, but I'm on vacation, so I walked and walked then walked more. After hitting the highlights, the Kelley School of Business, SPEA, HPER, and the fountain, I made my way down to Starbucks for morning coffee. Kirkwood was exactly as I left it two years ago and I couldn't help just walking down the street. The only thing that was missing from my adventure; friends. Rarely did I ever do anything in Bloomington without friends. I couldn't help thinking about Steph, Elena, Jessica, Josh, Chester....

After my trip down memory lane I fed my affinity for IU by stopping by every campus bookstore, the TIS bookstore, and anyone that sold anything with IU on it. I will come back to DC truly "representin" the IU.

Well, theres been a lot more, but I will share that later.

Caution...too much clicking on myspace leads to this...

Your Heart Is Purple

For you, love is about establishing and developing a deep connection. If it's true love, it brings you more wisdom and inner strength. Your flirting style: Sincere Your lucky first date: An afternoon at a tea house Your dream lover: Is both thoughtful and expressive What you bring to relationships: Understanding

What Color Heart Do You Have?

I have been living in Washington DC for nearly two years now and it never really occurred to me that I have not been back to Indiana since moving out here. I have made one day trips for Christmas or other special occasions, but never because I wanted too. Well, I want too.

I've thought some about it and I realized that I really miss the Hoosier State. At first I thought that I just missed the people like my cool as hell former boss Judith, my ex-best friend Andrea(we're friends now), and even an ex David, who despite a ridiculous relationship and the passing "X" number of years has turned out to be a bizarre life coach to me in recent years. What I miss is my former life, I miss the simplicity of making a quick dash to the grocery store or the ability to drive through the streets without having dodge taxicabs. I miss people like Chester and Jeremy who are the kind of friends that just want to sit, have a beer and chat about how fun this or that was. I feel like I'm a character in a Lifetime Movie and have to go home to get in touch with who I am.

Now I feel like I need to give DC a "shout-out". I do love DC and even as I eagerly await my journey this week, I know that the likely hood of me ever living in Indiana again is pretty slim...but I can sure sit at Yogi's and have a $2.00 beer

I'll take pics for all you IU Fans.

One Fun Sunday...

I am not a big fan of crowds at all and for the most part have successfully avoided events like Taste of Arlington in the past. However, since Alberto was leaving for two weeks (PA then South Africa), we said hell with it, and headed toward the metro.

It was a blast. Perhaps its because the girl at the beer truck screwed up and didn't check off our first two drinks or maybe because P.F. Changs had a stand, either way we had a great time. So, to Alberto, Michael, Andrew, Charlie, and Rudi...holla!

Below are some pictures from the event. Enjoy.

The hardest thing I've ever done...

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk
by Potia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down a street and there's a big hole. I don't see it and fall into it. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out. It's not my fault !

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street. There's a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out. It's still not my fault.

Chapter Three
I walk down a street. There's a big hole. I can see it, but I still fall in. It's become a habit. But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately. It is my fault.

Chapter Four
I walk down a street. There's a big hole. And I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down a different street.

A friend sent me this poem earlier today. At first I thought of it like every other"pep-talk" e-mail that is circulated, but then I read it. It's pretty amazing in that it illustrates that as complicated as we make life out to be, in the end it is amazing how simple it is.

I said good-bye to Stephen today, one of the hardest things I have ever done. Stephen is a great guy that I got to know over the past six months. During that period I learned a great deal about myself and the world around me and for that I cannot be more grateful. I wish him the best in his life, love, and career.

So the hard part, Chapter 5, walking down a different street....

Hmmmm...

There is not really much that I can add here except that I thought that V.P. Cheney had straighted out the Iraqi Parliament a week or so ago. I mean, hell, he scared the shit out of me, and he was thousands of miles a way. Perhaps he should take a couple of these boys out on a "Texas Style" hunting trip...that should do the trick.

For Stephanie...

Ok, I couldn't resist seeking this video out and posting it for you. Our mutual love for this song only demonstrates how strange we really are...



Also, we had a great time last night with Nicki. Ryan was very successful in keeping it a surprise. Of course our group gave her liquor. It was also interesting sitting with a group of Hill Rats that work for Hil. Even our usually composed KT fell into the trap "OMG, you work down the hall in blah blah dumb asses office"....OMG, do you know who I rode in the elevator with??? Oh and finally, the Cuban gets big props. Not once did he point at something and fart and he gave everyone a ride home. You would have been proud!!

Anyway, love ya...come home soon.

Crazy Crap...

I've got this song in my head today:



I know, I know...I have not been good lately at updating my loyal legions on the arbitrary occurances of my life. I don't have the time or energy to really dedicate this week, but since I know Steph is watching from a distance, I thought I should leave something here for her to look at.

First of all, I'm a freaking moron. Last night I took a break from the insanity of life / work to enjoy a baseball game. Rob and I headed to the stadium, stopped and enjoyed a few on the way of course, to watch the Nats play the Braves. Now, I'm not sure if I was excited about the Nats winning, the beautiful evening, or the stop along the way, but I was having a great time. So, after the game, Rob and the wife wanted to have a drink....a drink you say...OK. So, we head up to Capitol Hill for a little drinky drinky. After a few pictures we make our way home, them to their car me to the metro. Now, considering the time, I had to bust ass, but when I got there I had plenty of time (8 minutes). So, I sat down, flipped out my phone and started reading the news. Now, heres where I am an idiot. I actually heard over the loud speaker that the approaching train was the last train for the evening...so I sat. It wasn't until I saw the red lights leaving me behind that the message sank in...I was stuck. So, no big deal, hail a cab. I walk outside laughing at how stupid I am... I heard then say "last train, but I sat". At any rate, I hail a cab and give my directions (twice). I'm in a shirt and tie looking professional you know. We get about ten blocks away and he says, "you know I am only taking cash" Hmm, I don't know why I felt this the time to listen. I said, I don't have cash...and just like the movies, you heard the tires squeal as the brakes were swiftly applied. If you know anything about DC then you know that H Street is the new "up and coming" neighborhood. Well, that might be true near Capitol Hill, but at H and Maryland Street, its another story. This damn driver put me out right there. No ATM, no I'll pay you with the cash when I get there...get out. So, I walked and walked and walked. Morale of the story, I'm drinking and driving next time!

Second, the Y-Me walk was this past Sunday. In case you don't know what it is, the Y-me is a annual 3-mile walk to raise money for breast cancer patients and surviors. On a personal level, it was an amazing experience. To walk next to those who have fought through the disease, to walk next to those still fighting the disease, and to walk next to those who are walking as a show of love for those that did not survive, was a complete humbling experience. For those who don't know, and I'd say thats most of you, things have been a bit rough for me lately. I am struggling with a lot of personal issues. I could go on, but the point is that my issues are so little compared to the people that I surrounded myself with Sunday. I am truly lucky. And on one final Y-Me note, through the kindness of family and friends, I was able to raise $1165. So, to those that contributed, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Work Sucks!
I am really struggling with my job lately. I thought after we lost the one trouble maker that things would be fine. Funny thing about someone that causes you grief, you know the beast you fight. I am finding out that I'd rather fight her than to have to learn the punching strategy of another. I'm not sure if its the personal life impacting the work life, but I feel constantly defeated at work. I go in with a positive perspective, only to be sucker punched in the first 15 minutes. I'm really not sure how much longer I can take it. I'm not talking anything severe mind you, perhaps a shift to another project or even another firm. I really like the nature of my work, just the constant struggle sux.

Other Random Thoughts:
The weather is amazing!

The Men Date...

Since Fanny jumped ship and headed out of the country last month, MKO and I have taken advantage of the opportunity to get to know the Cuban a bit better. While he can't sling back a Yuengling as good as our Fanny, he has surprised me lately by keeping up and being a hell of a lot of fun. The three of us have taken to "man dates".

Our last man date was last night. Being that maven that he is, MKO and I were invited, along with three other guys to join the Cuban at a reception to celebrate public servants - I am not a public servant. Anyway, we meet up and this reception wasn't half bad. It was held at the Old Postal Museum near Union Station. To our surprise the food was good and the beer and wine was free. The six of us closed that mother down! This new character that joined our group was hysterical....made me laugh, and that takes some effort. Hes a little older than me and single, so hes talking up a group of 40-something women. The only funny thing about this story was as me and the other four guys are standing in a circle talking (while hes trying to score come granny-stuff) we hear him say "anal probe". Well, goes without saying that it went downhill from there. As the ladies were getting up to leave however they made one final gesture; one offered him the rest of her beer...really! She actually handed him a half-empty bottle of beer - who does that?. This dude looked normal to me, not like he was having the DTs from lack of alcohol.

After the reception we trekked over to the Irish Times to chase our beer down with more beer. it all, it was fun. MKO and I departed for home and as we were getting on the train I realized that we were all on a man date. No one was "looking" for anything, rather just a group of guys hanging out. We're totally getting our nails done tomorrow...LOL

Random stuff

I'm trying the facial scruff. Not really sure if I like it or not, opinions welcome...

One for Steph...

Whoever said it wouldn't work....was correct...lol

A Great Weekend...

As indicated in previous posts, I traveled back to Cincinnati this past weekend for the Flying Pig Half Marathon. It is not my intent to hop all over the country running in random races, but I did this one for two reasons. First, to support my niece in her first real run and second, to return to the city that symbolized my first real step into adulthood.

The Race: This is Ash and I the day before the race. Look at that smile, the poor child is so unaware of what awaits her the next morning. Being a good uncle however, at her insistence, went a nice pub just east of Downtown for a few drinks...you know, to prepare. Still trusting that she knew what she was doing as far as training for the race, I heeded her advice and enjoyed a icy cold beer. It was a great afternoon. We ate, drank, and I doled out advice on race "preparations". Saturday evening my family started to roll into town. It was pretty low key, mostly chilled, had some dinner, then watched some TV. I'm not sure what I was nervous about, but I didn't sleep at all that night, maybe 2.5 hours. Up at 4 am, Ash and I headed downtown for a 6:30 am gun. It was a bit brisk, but we were "in it to finish".

The race was a bit more intense than I had imagined. I have been training since Chicago last year, so my race pace is just under a 9 minute mile. Ash's was a bit slower, but pretty good for her first race. The hills were much more intense than I had imagined they would be. We literally ran up hill from mile 3 to mile 10. It was at mile 5 that she confessed that she really hadn't been training as she had previously stated. Determined, we kept our mantra that we were going to finish either way.

Once we hit mile 10 and realized that it was "downhill from here" we were relieved. Here is us between 10 and 11 (don't we look remarkably fresh?). In the end we did very well. We finished the race in 2 hours 44 minutes.

I am so proud of her. For someone that had never run more than 4 miles in her life but ran 13.1 non-stop up hills out of sheer determination and ambition, I am in awe.

Here's to Ash!!!

Coming home...sorta

For those that don't know, I lived in Cincinnati from late 1989 to early 1993 ish... I was the first of my large family to move more than an hour from my mother, so it was a big step. I moved to Cincinnati in 1989 in pursuit of a girl (looking back, I really dodged a bullet...a BIG one). At any rate, it was during my stay in the Queen City (I know, irony right??) that I met Colleen. I have two very distinct recollections of that meeting. The first was her insatiable curiosity about dead animals (she had skeletons everywhere) and the second was that she borrowed my car and didn't come back for four hours...when your 20, that's a long time. Well, needless to say, the first meeting was not so wonderful. Fortunately for me, all that changed.

Fast forward 17 years now and I can honestly say that she is the best friend that I have ever had. She has seen me through serious relationships and not so serious relationships, a long drive cross country towing her car with two kittens on the dashboard, I watched her fight with the waiter in Little Italy NY over an egg plant parmesan lunch (remarkably our lunches came out an hour later,in an empty restaurant!), and become so pissed at me in Boston that she would not eat the freshly caught lobster. But through it all, she has been there. When I was sad, she'd drive through the night to sit with me, only to turn around 2 hours later and make the same 4 hour trek back home. Time was never an issue if you I needed a friend.

It is seeing her and spending time with her this weekend that re centers me on what friendship and happiness means. Colleen was there when I literally had nothing (I was fired from a Dunken Donuts) and now that we've both established our lives and we're moving toward old age together, she still looks, talks, and acts the same way as ever...a best friend. I do not get to see her as often as either of us would like, but when we do its so familiar, non-judgemental, unprotected, and unreserved. She is one of these rare people that is sincere in what she says and I know shes my friend...

Finally, I want to say how much I really hate the term "best friend" because it is so singular, it implies that only one can be the best. So, to all of my other "best friends" get your ass home!